i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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