I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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