We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
