there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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