Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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