like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
