I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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