You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
50% drunk capacity currently
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
