we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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