So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
