alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
