I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just googled if crying burns calories
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Drunk is not a location!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
