just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
