I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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