I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
