I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
