my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
