You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
