3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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