i think i have two assholes
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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