The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
