bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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