Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
