The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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