Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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