bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
