i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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