I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
