Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
