my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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