My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
