I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
