i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
not ubering you a puppy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
