Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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