Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
