My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
