I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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