3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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