i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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