Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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