i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
