I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
