I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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