I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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