just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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