I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
