girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
