There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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