New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
