She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
