Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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