I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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