highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
