The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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