Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
