just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
