woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Come share oat with me in your robe
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You ruined the universe
Randomize
