maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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