I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
